The Story in my Head
Yesterday someone asked me where I wanted my career to go and at first I was like “mmm I don’t know, I wish I did, I wish I knew what was available to me. I’m kind of a jack of all trades but not solid on anything in particular. I don’t know what my strengths are - I’m not a great dancer, I’m a mediocre singer, I’m a beginner aerialist. I’ve used my entire youth throwing myself through every open door for performance that I ended up not fabulous at anything. and I’m almost thirty, I want to have kids and I loathe that I haven’t done anything noteworthy yet” then I took a breath and thought, and started again “actually that’s not completely true, I know exactly what I want but I’ve been repeating that same self deprecating line for like 10 years, punishing myself thinking no one would believe I could get what I really wanted because I wasn’t good enough and/or hadn’t made the right life choices. I don’t believe I’m good enough most days. But I know what I want, to do shows on broadway in the chorus as a dancer/singer and straight theater and also move into film acting and eventually publish the 2 books I have started. During all that I want to get married and have 1 or 2 kids. That’s what I’m working towards. But I feel like that sounds crazy and like I’m one of those people that doesn’t have ‘it’ so why humiliate myself for admitting thats what I want? Enough is enough. I know where I want to be and somehow amidst all the chaos I’m kind of moving that direction, albeit slowly, so why pretend? I guess I have to stop using that line” And you know what, I think I have been working towards that without really knowing it. how on earth did I come to be planning a move to NYC, but on the other hand why didn’t I plan that sooner?
How can I get what I want if for YEARS I believed I couldn’t? Do you have any downer lines you keep repeating to yourself? Lets stop. Why not believe in the best of you AND put in the hard work. Why couldn’t I be in a Broadway show in the next 2 years? Why couldn’t you do whatever it is you want to do?