6 mile run today. Yes its STILL raining (how can it possibly rain for a whole week!), yes I ate my weight in chocolate last night. But I ran well, it felt good.  

I’m going to have to burn my shoes before I leave china. Now they never dry in this weather and despite washing them with baby shampoo and drying them with the hair dryer, every day they are drenched again and they just smell bad! I should have brought the Vibrams…

I’m not going to lie, I’m having a rough go of it this week. Dirty old men, a million moves, not being able to communicate, 3 days of rain, having to walk in that rain to 6 different apple stores to try to replace a burned out power cord, trying to explain the internet doesn’t work to the hotel front desk…again. My eye swelled shut, now my forehead is swollen, I’m trapped with a mozzie in my room and I have the bites to prove it. I miss my boyfriend and jogging in the rain has left me feeling like a pathetic drowned rat. 

But there’s always little mercies when the minor frustrations seem to pile up. As I was going through my fruitless search for a phone card in the pouring rain (with no umbrella) a little chinese lady started waving me over and yammering on and pointing.  I thought the little boy who’d run in and out of the store scared was hers and she wanted me to go say hi so I looked over.  Instead of a little boy there was a white haired gentleman holding an umbrella waving me over.  He was a kind english gentleman who just wanted to say hi to someone who spoke english.  He asked me what I was doing here and chatted and at the end he said.  ”It’s hard to live in China, it’s very lonely so I hope you’re doing alright. That’s why my wife waved you over. I get to speak english so rarely she knew I’d like it and she knows you must be lonely too”.  I looked at him and finally let out the breath I’d been holding.  I’ve been validated and it made me feel better. I’d admitted to him that I felt cowardly since I’ve traveled a lot and yet I feel really lonely here now, and it hasn’t been long.  He kindly, keeping the umbrella over my head too said “no no, We’re like big dogs in a small cage, we’re used to space, parks, places to go, but it’s not like that in China. It’s hard, don’t worry.  Good luck in your work and in your upcoming marriage!”  

I never found a place that carried my phone card and I squished my way home 3 miles, hopefully not ruining my sneakers. But I felt a little less lonely. And the internet works now, even if it is jimmy rigged out my window and into someone else’s hotel room.

and I got a 4.5 mile run in today. Score :)

Despite being busy, emotional, moving to a third city in less then a week I have managed to run 5 miles twice and continue with my abs and yoga on alternate days and take one rest day (much needed). 

I miss my boyfriend so I’ve been taking it out on the road and the mat. For this, I am proud. Consistency in the small things - like workouts and coffee and texting Dan at night-are the glue that hold me together.

Todays workout: AbripperX + 20 min. Yoga + 50 push ups…maybe more

I did a sneaky 10k today before my 4 hour rehearsal and I couldn’t feel any stronger!  Now to pick up speed :)

It was a windy overcast day which is my absolute favorite kind.  As I ran I let the breeze give me energy, I felt the water moving me forward and the weeping willows, all in a line, reminded me of my childhood.  We had a gorgeous weeping willow in our backyard growing up and I adored it like it was a pet. Running felt spiritual today. Amazing.

Yesterday someone asked me where I wanted my career to go and at first I was like “mmm I don’t know, I wish I did, I wish I knew what was available to me. I’m kind of a jack of all trades but not solid on anything in particular. I don’t know what my strengths are - I’m not a great dancer, I’m a mediocre singer, I’m a beginner aerialist. I’ve used my entire youth throwing myself through every open door for performance that I ended up not fabulous at anything. and I’m almost thirty, I want to have kids and I loathe that I haven’t done anything noteworthy yet” then I took a breath and thought, and started again “actually that’s not completely true, I know exactly what I want but I’ve been repeating that same self deprecating line for like 10 years, punishing myself thinking no one would believe I could get what I really wanted because I wasn’t good enough and/or hadn’t made the right life choices. I don’t believe I’m good enough most days. But I know what I want, to do shows on broadway in the chorus as a dancer/singer and straight theater and also move into film acting and eventually publish the 2 books I have started. During all that I want to get married and have 1 or 2 kids. That’s what I’m working towards. But I feel like that sounds crazy and like I’m one of those people that doesn’t have ‘it’ so why humiliate myself for admitting thats what I want? Enough is enough. I know where I want to be and somehow amidst all the chaos I’m kind of moving that direction, albeit slowly, so why pretend? I guess I have to stop using that line” And you know what, I think I have been working towards that without really knowing it. how on earth did I come to be planning a move to NYC, but on the other hand why didn’t I plan that sooner?

How can I get what I want if for YEARS I believed I couldn’t? Do you have any downer lines you keep repeating to yourself? Lets stop. Why not believe in the best of you AND put in the hard work. Why couldn’t I be in a Broadway show in the next 2 years? Why couldn’t you do whatever it is you want to do?